[Control]

One of my best friends from childhood jokingly calls herself a control freak. When we get together, she’s the one who makes the plans, determines the time and day, and navigates our time together. I’m more of a go-with-the-flow kind of person, so stepping aside and letting her take control is fine with me. But it does lead me to ponder the idea of control. Are we ever really “in control”? With so many social forces moving independently, should we even try to control…anything? People resist it, the world defies it, and it leaves the “controller” frustrated at the very least, at most, failing.
   But still we seek control. We want to control our lives, the world, our friends’ lives. We seek control in less obvious ways.
   At my university, Relay for Life is the biggest on-campus event of the year. Students campaign for months, eventually raising a couple hundred thousand dollars for cancer research every year. Their slogan is “Let’s Celebrate More Birthdays”. By funding cancer research, contributors can (potentially) help loved ones fight cancer, live longer, see their next birthday. A minimum donation of $10 gets you into the event.
   I never went.
   People think they can “cure” a disease. Forever. Eradicate it. Eliminate pain and death. Relay for Lifers seek to control cancer.
   Sometimes, I think people with terminal illnesses are lucky. They learn how to appreciate every minute in ways no one else can. When you expect your life to march before you in unending (seemingly) succession, its easy to forget its transience. People pass around the old adage “don’t take life for granted” like they actually mean it. But these same people are the ones who live by the clock, follow a daily 9 to 5 schedule. The busy, boring, people. They don’t mean the phrase the way ill people do. Terminally ill people were often once the people who worked 9 to 5, too. The ones who got so busy managing the basic necessities of life – eating, sleeping, family, money – just like the rest of us. But now, the endless stretch of life before them has a big red STOP sign somewhere down the road, visible and inevitable. So the seconds, minutes, days before the STOP sign march to a beat. “This is it,” they say. “My LAST day, my LAST time here, LAST, LAST, LAST!” They learn how not to take life for granted.
   I wish I could learn how to do that – appreciate the “last-ness” of days and minutes, the finiteness of my existence. But unlike those Relay for Lifers, I’m not seeking to control life.
   I think there is beauty in chaos. The suspense, the not knowing, the surprises. These are gifts from life. Every event has beauty within it, lessons for us and for future generations. Control stifles life’s spirit.
   I’m not saying more birthdays are a bad thing.
   And I’m not saying I want to die of cancer, either…… (STOP)